for the moment

is so popular, in her work group... and pretty... and intelligent, a genius so they say... and everyone loves her. They don't even see me. I guess I'm a little jealous of her, but I wouldn't want to BE her. After all, she doesn't know a thing about the Internet... and she's a total workaholic!

There is no beginning or end to this story. All I know is that I have a basic need to tell someone about it. (You don't really have to know what it is yet. I'm still working on that myself. All you need is a little curiosity.)

After the tomboy phase of my teens I spent most of my time in libraries or my bedroom reading. I had an unquenchable desire to know. I never knew what it was I had to know, but I did know that something was going on and I wanted to know about it... I'm still searching.

She had a yearning to learn all the good there was and then use it to benefit as much of mankind as she could. In school, she excelled. Mathematics came easy to her as did Psychology, and Computer Science. She pursued an engineering career in what she must have thought was fulfilling. That's all fine and good. I guess she didn't have much of a social life, but then I don't feel that's a problem as long as one is happy.

I don't have much college learning yet, but I have taken some technical training. I enjoy helping people and doing research on the web to find the latest technology. I made a Webpage of Medical help sites, and help hotlines to call. I also volunteer at doing Websites, computer setup and training. I think I would like to start my own business as a technical consultant someday.

She married and was burned during her early 20's. It left her with a strong caution about men. She did date somewhat after her divorce, but no one seemed to be able to penetrate that protective iron wall.

I am quite curious about the dating rituals, but have no desire to be married at this point. I want to experience life on my own first. I have to get a grasp; and get centered on my path.

She's been blessed in life. She could sit down with any book about anything, and then do it, or get it. She's in the high salary bracket and well traveled, yet still kept her down to earth qualities. She was never injured or sick beyond the usual childhood things.

I have had approximately 15 years deleted from my memory. Yes, I know that sounds like something one's computer would experience, but it really happened to my brain. On January 4, 1994 I was hit head-on in a collision, and with near total blood loss, went into survival mode shock. (and "died" three times... I just didn't "go" anywhere.) I'm still doing physical therapy, and have very good odds to walk again.

I have the same basic personality - or so they say - but I have this otherness about me that is once again back in the need to know phase. Strange how it works like that, but I am really mentally back in that time frame. Amnesia -- Everything I think and feel is as it was around the early 80s. It feels like I have somehow been transported into the future!

Now I have to keep notes... OOzles of notes, just to know whether or not I've eaten, brushed my teeth, taken a shower, or checked my e-mail. Reading the newspaper is useless. I do seem to have better retention if I research something. I have to keep a notebook with me at all times. I don't fully understand all the things happening with this, but the doctors call it short-term memory loss. Unlike the formatting (amnesia) which is permanent, this short-term memory loss can improve.

My doctors told me I needed to get an interest (like computers)... then do repetitive work every day (like research on the Internet). Sure, I follow my doctor's orders. It was easy to get that far, as I've been bitten by the net bug...

She would probably like the Internet too. We might have that much in common... if she were here. She doesn't know me, and I don't remember her. You see, this is the dilemma - she's me...
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Written by Snowhawk May 1, 1997
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